boy, do NOT put that Clairo down

on my concerns about the "performative man" trend

We’ve all seen it - loose, sometimes androgynous-adjacent clothes, undone button up, matcha with a straw, The Bell Jar clutched in hand while making sure the title is visible, wired earphones in, phone sticking out of his jacket pocket just enough for it to be visible that he’s listening to Clairo. This image, tied to the concept of the “performative man”, has become one of the biggest online talking points in recent weeks. And, having mulled it over for a while, I also want to give my own take on this.

As you can probably tell from the title and subtitle of this post, I think that the “performative man” trend has gone too far and is currently doing much more harm than it’s doing good. At its core and in its inception, like most online trends that go astray, I believe that the idea was great - categorizing the common traits or habits of men who pretend to like certain things in order to appeal to women as a potential partner is a) quite funny and b) could be very useful to women to identify these guys easier. But I believe that, the further it spreads, the more of a risk it becomes.

Now, before I get into the more important things, I do want to talk about something that doesn’t matter as much, but I still think is worth mentioning: the fact that, while, naturally, there are more than enough men who just pretend to be emotionally intelligent and vulnerable to attempt to sleep with women, there are plenty who actually do enjoy those stereotypically “performative” things. And they ultimately pay the price for that, because a lot of women will understandably see any of those things - certain books, certain clothes, certain music, certain drinks, certain mannerisms - and shut themselves off from anyone exhibiting them, as a way of protecting themselves from having to even possibly deal with a manipulative guy who wants nothing more than sex and cheap validation. I’m not saying it’s wrong for them to do that - not at all, it’s only natural; if you can avoid one of those men, you absolutely should. And the argument can also be made that it is possible to tell the difference between someone being genuine and being performative - but that argument is a little questionable too in my eyes, because, for one thing, some manipulators are very good at pretending; and for another, everyone expresses their passions differently - maybe someone who appears to be performative is actually genuine, but just not as good at putting that out into the world. A lot of guys could be, and many are already being, discouraged from being open about their interests, for fear of being mocked for it, or looked at with suspicion.

At the end of the day, though, on a larger scale, the self-esteems of men and their possibilities when it comes to dating isn’t what concerns me the most. Men at or around my age, let alone older, should definitely be able to take jokes without it making them question who they are as a person or their tastes, and without getting defensive or venomous about it. What I worry about is those more impressionable.

It’s time to get vulnerable for a second: I was very dangerously close to falling down several dangerous pipelines when I was in my early teen years. I was lonely and resentful, driven to a lot of destructive and negative thoughts by the fact that I felt unloved and was starved completely for attention from people I found attractive. I might write about this in more detail some day, but I strongly believe that I was saved from becoming a red-pilled incel exclusively by a combination of my parents explaining to me that the thoughts I was having were wrong, and watching a bunch of commentary YouTubers who poked holes in the arguments of online masculinity and dating “gurus”. And this was way before the explosion of the manosphere to the scale where it is today.

I was already struggling with certain things about me not adhering to traditional masculinity standards; I can’t even imagine what it would’ve been like if I had had a certain chinless bald sex pest and all his clones screaming at me that I was unsatisfactory and would never get any action unless I bought their courses and acted just like them. Their side of the issue constantly drives men away from being themselves in favor of appeasing unrealistic standards set by predatory, exploitative men who want nothing more than to milk them for every dollar they have at their most vulnerable. So, as important as it is to combat this side of the issue, I believe it’s just as crucial not to add more restrictions and judgment from the progressive side. Young, impressionable boys going online and see others get made fun of on a large scale for liking “traditionally feminine” things could be very dangerous to their self-image and their personal development alike at such a formative time in their lives. And, while parents can do their part, ultimately society is much bigger than just them, and they can’t totally avoid their sons getting outwardly influenced in certain ways.

Of course, this is just another example of the patriarchy harming everyone, regardless of sex or gender. Young girls, in their own right, suffer unimaginably at the hands of unrealistic standards for both physical appearance and “correct” behavior being forced on them, especially by social media, and I think that issue is far more prevalent and serious; but I don’t feel that I am in the position to discuss that matter, because I’m a man, and I can’t fully understand or relate to that experience. I have, however, been an insecure 13-year-old boy before. And I worry for the next generation of boys, because the more of them turn to victims of manipulation and lies, the more let resentment and hate overtake them, the more harm will be done to everyone. And I believe that any form of policing their self-expression, however sarcastic it may be, plays a part in that.

Basically, what I’m trying to say is this: young men, and especially boys, don’t need another reason to tumble down the slippery slope of the “real man” pipeline. I think that while, of course, as I stated previously, it’s important for women to be able to notice and avoid manipulative men who utilize these things as a tool to be more attractive and don’t genuinely like them; but, as with everything, there should be a reasonable limit. Nobody should feel like they will be shamed for liking something, be it beer or matcha, Kendrick Lamar or Clairo, Marvel or A24. There’s no set definition for how a man should or shouldn’t be, other than kind, respectful, intelligent, compassionate, aware and, crucially, honest. And, as long as someone sticks to that, I believe they should be allowed to unashamedly love whatever they want.

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Author’s note: I don’t know if people are going to agree with me on this, but it’s something that’s been on my mind lately, and I wanted to share my thoughts. Hopefully, even those who read this and maybe disagree with me can understand where I’m coming from at least.